I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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