Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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