It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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