Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
