i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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