is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
