she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
