Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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