I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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