I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
