i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
