Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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