dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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