did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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