Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
