I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
