I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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