the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
