I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
