I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
