And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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