I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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