If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
