my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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