my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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