i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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