I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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