i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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