I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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