i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
