who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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