No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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