he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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