I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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