There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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