phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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