He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
