And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
