Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
