Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We're too hungover to prance.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I would ride that face into the sunset
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
