What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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