Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
