i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
