Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
