Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
