i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
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You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
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You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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