kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
