I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
