my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
