no, he came in my armpit
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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