i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
