Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
