Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
