i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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