I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
