oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
