i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
